Tax Humor

 

Our National Debt (2012 – and not so funny!)

Our national debt reached $16 trillion this month and it prompted me to update the “What is a Billion?” paper I have printed in my office and on my website. This is very scary stuff!

How much more is a Trillion?

• A Billion seconds ago, it was 1980. A Trillion seconds ago, was 29,380 BC – Cro-Magnon man inhabited Europe.
• A Billion minutes ago, Jesus walked the earth. A Trillion minutes ago, was the first appearance of Homo Erectus on the earth.
• A Billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A Trillion hours ago, was 200 million BC – the Jurassic Age.
• A Billion days ago, no one walked the earth on two feet. A Trillion days ago, the earth was without form.
• So maybe measuring in time isn’t much help. Once I get beyond the minutes, I have trouble understanding how much more a Trillion is than a Billion.  Let me try it in dollars…
• In 2005, the US government spent a Billion dollars every 8 hours and 20 minutes. In 2012, the government is spending a billion dollars every 2 hours and 18 minutes.

Or to put it in real terms:

• Lets say you are a hard worker and make $100,000 a year. If your entire salary went to the government in taxes, you would have to work 160 million years to pay off the current debt.
• Better idea! Lets just tax the millionaires! If you earn a million dollars per year and your entire salary went to the government in taxes, you would have to work for 16,000 years to pay off the current debt.
• But more to the point, if you earn $250,000 per year and the government taxes you at 49.6% (this is the actual proposal for federal, medicare, and social security tax), it will take you 129 million years to pay off the current debt.

According to the 2010 census data, there are 3.8 million households with $200K+ (no data exists for $250K), so “taxing the rich” will only take 34 million years to pay off the current debt (if the US government does not borrow one more penny for the next 34 million years)!

This is what we are passing on to our kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, great-great grandkids, and many more generations. Are we crazy?!?

One Liners

The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election.

Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

It’s hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

There is no child so bad that he/she can’t be used as an income tax deduction.

The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Everybody works for the government, either on the payroll or the taxroll.

The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.

Loafing is the only way to beat the income tax.

When making out your income-tax report, be sure you don’t overlook your most expensive dependent – the government.

If you think you can keep everything to yourself, . . . the IRS doesn’t.

Patriotism will probably never develop to the point of parading in honor of the “unknown taxpayer.”

A politician is a man who never met a tax he didn’t try to hike.

After all is said and done, the politicians say it and the taxpayers do it.

Regardless of who wins the election they have to raise taxes to pay for the damage.

The best things in life are free – plus tax, of course.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth – less 40 percent inheritance tax.

A dime is a dollar with all the various taxes deducted.

Our beloved country has made remarkable progress. Now politicians have arranged to spend taxes before they collect them.

A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

We may need tax reform, but it seems we need a lot of spending reform too.

In Russia the people have only what the government gives them; in America the people have only what the government does not take away from them in taxes.

An American can consider himself a success when it costs him more to support the government than to support a family.

Is there any human activity that isn’t tax licensed, regulated, or restricted?

Stay on your job and pay your taxes promptly. Thousands of workers in the government bureaus are counting on you.

You really can’t beat the game. If you earn anything, it’s minus taxes. If you buy anything it’s plus taxes.

Next year will be the year they lower taxes . . . it always is.

A “slight tax increase” costs you about $300, while a “substantial tax cut” lowers your taxes by about $30.

A politician will consider every way of reducing taxes except cutting expenses.

Funny (and maybe not so funny) Tax Quotes

“If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there would be a shortage of sand.”  – Milton Friedman

“I could end the deficit in 5 minutes… You just pass a law that says anytime there is a deficit of more than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible for reelection.”  – Warren Buffet

“An economy constrained by high tax rates will never produce enough revenue to balance the budget, just as it will never create enough jobs.”  – John F. Kennedy

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: if it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it.”  – Ronald Reagan

“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.”  – Herbert Hoover

“In case you didn’t know, ethanol is made by mixing corn with your tax dollars.”  – Paul A. Gigot, Wall Street Journal Editor

“Where there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income.”  – Plato

“Few of us test our powers of deduction, except when filling out an income tax form.”  – Laurence J. Peter

“Like mothers, taxes are often misunderstood, but seldom forgotten.”  – Lord Bramwell, 19th Century Jurist

“No government can exist without taxation. This money must necessarily be levied on the people; and the grand art consists of levying so as not to oppress.”  – Frederick the Great, 18th Century Prussian King

“Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.”  – Oscar Wilde

“The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall.”  – Denis Healey

“Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”  – F.J. Raymond

“The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax.”  – Lord Thomas Dewar

“We don’t have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven’t taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much.”  – Ronald Reagan”

“It is said that our taxation system is a voluntary one. Do you remember when you volunteered?”  – unknown

“If our forefathers revolted against taxation “without representation” think what they would do today “with representation!”  – unknown

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.  – John Adams

If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. – Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.  – Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.  – Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. – Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. – P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else. – Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.  – Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! – P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. – Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! – Pericles (430 BC)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. – Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap…except when government does it. – Anonymous

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. – Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. – Mark Twain

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.  – Thomas Jefferson

Feeling Taxed Enough?

• Accounts Receivable Tax
• Building Permit Tax
• CDL license Tax
• Cigarette Tax
• Corporate Income Tax
• Dog License Tax
• Federal Income Tax
• Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
• Fishing License Tax
• Food License Tax
• Fuel permit tax
• Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon, CA’s more)
• Hunting License Tax
• Inheritance Tax
• Interest expense
• Inventory tax
• IRS Interest Charges and Penalties (tax on top of tax)
• Liquor Tax
• Luxury Taxes
• Marriage License Tax
• Medicare Tax
• Property Tax
• Real Estate Tax
• Service charge taxes
• Social Security Tax
• Road usage taxes
• Sales Tax
• Recreational Vehicle Tax
• School Tax
• State Income Tax
• State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
• Telephone federal excise tax
• Telephone federal universal service fee tax
• Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
• Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
• Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
• Telephone state and local tax
• Telephone usage charge tax
• Utility Taxes
• Vehicle License Registration Tax
• Vehicle Sales Tax
• Watercraft registration Tax
• Well Permit Tax
• Workers Compensation Tax

This list is actually pretty old and woefully incomplete now! Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened?

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

• The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
• The fifth would pay $1.
• The sixth would pay $3.
• The seventh would pay $7.
• The eighth would pay $12.
• The ninth would pay $18.
• The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. ‘Since you are all such good customers,’ he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.’ Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

• The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
• The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
• The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
• The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
• The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
• The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,’declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. I only saved a dollar, too.”

“It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I got. That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. Why should he get $10 back when I got only two?” The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute, yelled the first four men in unison. We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

– David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D., Professor of Economics, University of Georgia